


A Long Night's Journey Into Day

by oneifby (orphan_account)



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fight Sex, Fights, eternal devotion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-05
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-25 16:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/955032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/oneifby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathan's ("stupid, stupid") actions bring up some unresolved issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Long Night's Journey Into Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scarlotti](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlotti/gifts).



Audrey slams the door to her apartment shut, and without turning around, spits out her words bitterly. "What the _fuck_ was that." Nathan winces.

"I was just doing my job," he says, biting off his words.

"Your job?" At this, she whirls around, long blonde hair flying. "God, you stupid, stupid idiot." _Redundant_ , he thinks. "You are so damn lucky that his gun was filled with rubber bullets. Oh, I'm sorry, that I _replaced_ his gun with one filled with rubber bullets."

Nathan looks down at the hardwood floor. When he looks back up into her blue eyes, he's composed himself enough to say with a straight face: "I did what the situation required. What the town needed." _What you needed_ , he thinks.

Audrey opens her mouth but no sound comes out. She scrunches her face, wrinkling her nose and furrowing her brow, before clenching her fists. She takes off her leather jacket, draping it over the back of one of the dining chairs. Nathan watches her pace back and forth to the kitchen. He sits on the sofa and tries to make himself comfortable.

"Since when," she says, unnervingly calmly, sitting down across from him in a plush chair, "is it your job to try to kill yourself. Since when is it your job to sacrifice yourself to protect me." She leans forward, elbows on her knees and hands clasped together. "Are you going to sit there and try to tell me that you getting hurt is in the best interests of the town? Of anyone?" 

Nathan stares at her defiantly. "I'm no good to anyone without you."

Audrey laughs, tosses her hair, and gets up from the table. She reaches up over the refrigerator and opens the cabinet. Nathan finds himself staring at her rear end, made tight as she stretches. Normally, he would look away, ashamed. Not tonight. Audrey pulls down the Jack Daniels and grabs two glasses from the pantry. She puts them down on the coffee table. Not slamming them, but hard enough that the legs wobble. She wrenches the top off the bottle and pours a couple of fingers into each tumbler before standing back behind the chair, leaning her weight against it. Nathan looks up at her, blinking his long brown eyelashes slowly.

"Drink," she orders. He licks his bottom lip and her eyes follow his tongue. "Drink, Nathan," she says again. He lifts the glass to his mouth, savors the burning sensation in his throat. She watches him for a moment, then mirrors him. He drinks, then she drinks, and it goes on.

"You can't look after me," Audrey says suddenly, her eyes boring into Nathan's. "You can't be my guardian."

The alcohol has given Nathan a courage and bravado he never has in real life. "Why the fuck not?" he asks belligerently, slurring his words just enough that Audrey's eyes narrow.

"Because I already know that I'm going to die for this town," she explains harshly. "I've done it before and I'll do it again." Nathan turns away, shaking his head. "No," she insists. "I know. I'm not in denial. I would give anything to stay here. Anything. But I _love_ this town. I belong to Haven. I'm made to love it, I guess, it's part of what they programmed into me or whatever, it's important that I care. That's fine. I know. Do you?"

Nathan doesn't reply, just stares down at the floor. _You're not a robot_ , he thinks.

"It's selfish of you to act like this."

He laughs, pulls a coin from his pocket and begins running it over his knuckles. Duke had taught him how on a stakeout and he'd been practicing. He was getting better. 

Audrey fumes at his apparent disinterest. "What about Jordan."

The coin stops. "What about her?" Nathan says coldly. "She was part of the Guard. I did what I had to do."

"Don't tell me you didn't have feelings for her."

"It was part of the plan," he insists, rubbing the stubble beginning on his chin.

Audrey ignores him. "It would have been so easy for you two with me gone," she says bitterly. "A _normal_ relationship. Can you imagine that?"

Nathan stands up angrily. "Fine. Fine, Parker. You want the truth? Yes!"

"Yes what," Audrey says, beginning to pace again. 

"Yes I wanted-I wanted something else. I wanted her."

Audrey says nothing, but her jaw clenches.

"You pushed me away. What, was I supposed to wait for you to come around? I didn't have that kind of time Audrey. _You_ don't have that time.”

Audrey freezes. She spits out the words. “Are you telling me you used her to make me realize…”

His tongue loosened by the alcohol, he continues, “I'd love to tell you that. But I'm not going to lie to you. Yeah, it was easy. It was easy to be with a person who wanted to be with me. Jordan wanted me so badly.” _Too far_ , Nathan thinks.

In apparent agreement, Audrey picks him up by the collar of his shirt and slams him against the wall. _Shut up, you idiot_ , Nathan says in his head. But no. “It was easy.”

“Fuck _off_ , Nathan,” Audrey yells, eyes blazing.

“I'M NOT LYING TO YOU AUDREY, I-I’M NOT GOING TO LIE.” Nathan stands a bit straighter, shakes his head to try to sober up and fails. “You devastated me, you hear me? You broke my heart because of some stupid reason that I'm still not one hundred percent sure of. I’m sure it made sense to you. Everything you do makes sense to you. That was YOUR CHOICE. _YOU_ PUSHED _ME_ AWAY.”

Tears begin to stream down Audrey’s face. “No. Don’t blame me for-”

“I don’t. I don’t blame you for anything. I can’t. You messed up, yeah. I was furious at you. But I… that’s never going to be-it’s not anything to me,” Nathan tries. “It doesn’t matter. I’d forgive you for anything. It’s not–I’m not… I'm never going to have a normal relationship. I've accepted that I've moved on. Because You've ruined me, Audrey Parker. Every life that you live, that's… it's mine now too, do you understand that? Do you know what that means? I… we… Everything that I do is less to me than you. Including giving up my life. It’s meant for you. I will literally never be able to feel anyone other than you. Even if you are gone, do you hear me? You will _always_ be the only thing I can feel.”

Audrey loosens her grip on him, but isn’t finished. “Joining the Guard? Putting yourself into the line of fire today? Stupid, Nathan. That’s not how you do things. That’s not how we do things.”

“Nothing _means_ anything if you aren’t here.”

Nathan picks up his glass and slams it against the table to make his point. It's not until he sees Audrey's eyes widen and hears her hick inhale that he looks back down and sees the pool of blood spreading. Still, she's the only one who winces.

"I-Nathan," Audrey says, hand to mouth.

"Oh god, the table." Nathan grimaces, putting one hand underneath the other to catch the blood steadily dripping down. "Audrey, I'm so sorry--"

"Jesus, I couldn't care less about the table," Audrey cries, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him to the kitchen sink. She reaches over and turns on the water before thrusting his arm beneath the faucet, hoping to wash away some of the blood. Nathan feels the pressure of her fingers and thinks, "Funny that she hurts more than actual physical injury." He stands passively as the color of the pool in his hand gets darker. Audrey swears again and grabs a tea towel from a drawer. She wraps it tightly around his hand.

Once she finishes, Nathan watches as she puts her face in her hands. He keeps what he thinks to be pressure on the wound, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "You need to be more careful," she says, her voice muffled. 

Nathan nods, then remembers she can't see him. "I will," he tells her.

" _Promise_ me," she orders.

"Promise," he says. He grips the towel tightly again. 

After a moment, Audrey turns and goes into her bedroom. Nathan stands in front of the sink patiently, watching the towel turn from white to pink. A few minutes pass. He carefully unwraps the towel and rinses off the blood around the cut, not quite dried but sticky enough. "Audrey?" He cleans up the glass and the whiskey from the table and floor before walking into the bedroom.

She had changed into a loose t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. They looked old and worn, not something she'd bought just to sleep in. He doesn't want to think about it. Where she'd gotten them. Maybe they were Chris's, or–or—Nathan resists the urge to punch the wall—Duke's. She sits hunched over her old desk that he'd found at the dump and hauled back to town for her. 

"Audrey," he says again, watching her back tense at the the sound of his voice. "Parker. What are you doing?" He walks over and lays his hand on her shoulder, peering down.

Audrey flipped through a stack of photos he hadn't seen before. Nathan and Audrey at a crime scene. Audrey on her knees, talking to a little girl. Nathan, hand on the back of his neck, looking down as he talks to the Chief.

"You look so young here," Audrey says softly. "I don't know if it's because it was a year ago or… because you're talking to the Chief."

"You mean because it was before the Chief died?" he asks. She shrugs, still not meeting his eyes.

Nathan reaches down and takes the photo from her hands. He stands and stares at it for a few moments before sitting back down on the bed. He hears Audrey push her chair back and feels her leg brush his when her weight settles on the bed. Without looking up, he asks, "Where'd you get these?"

"Vince and Dave dropped them off yesterday," she says. "They thought I might want them." Nathan nods. They sit, the only sound the creak of the house settling and their breaths falling into unison.

"Do you get it," Audrey says quietly. "Why I _can't_ lose you?" Nathan puts the photo down on the ground, the old springs in the bed tensing. Audrey runs her hand through her hair. "I mean, I love you, Nathan. In case that wasn't clear enough." Nathan licks his lips. "I love you forever," she continues. "I loved you before I knew you, before I existed, when I was different people. I'm pretty sure I'll love you after I'm gone, when I'm someone else. And so on and so forth. We don't know when I started or why, or even who I really am." She laughs. "I'm not Audrey, or Sarah, or even Lucy. But I'm sure I loved you too, b-back _then_." Her voice breaks on the last word, and she takes a deep breath. "A world without, without you would be _unbearable_. Unthinkable. I couldn't go through another beginning without you. So you can't do this stuff anymore. You can't put yourself in danger for me."

Nathan opens his mouth to argue, or protest, or say _something_ when Audrey grabs his head, turns his face towards hers, and kisses him hard on the mouth. His words get lost in the swipe of her tongue against the edges of his teeth. He grabs her shoulders, runs his hand to the nape of her neck. He can feel his pressure by the response of her body, of her skin, how much it pushes back against him. She shudders. _You have no idea_ , he thinks, _like liquid gold just, just touch_ -. He grips her tightly, his hand sneaking up heath the hem of her shirt, fingertips walking along the sloping curve of her back.

She gasps against him, her chest expanding towards his, and pulls his head away. 

"I love you more than anything in the world, in the–in the universe," he babbles as she reaches for his shirt, pulling it up and over his head. "I didn't, I never, Audrey, Audrey, god, I swear, I–"

She pushes him down against the bed and presses another deep kiss to his lips before stripping off her own shirt. She leans back, arching her chest, and Nathan's fingers itch with how badly he wants to touch her.

"I can't, I _couldn't_ , without y-you," he continues desperately. "Please-"

She looks down at him, lowering herself to his chest. "Yeah. So here's the deal: don't be an idiot trying to protect me, and I will never leave you. Yes?"  
Nathan gulps, knowing that no matter how much she means and believes it, she can't promise that. Or anything like it. She's going to leave. He watches her hair fall over her soft face, catches a glimpse of her big brown eyes. She reaches down, unbuckling his belt, then the button of his jeans, and her hand runs along the erection he's been trying desperately to ignore. A groan escapes his mouth. "Deal," he says sadly, breathlessly.

He places his hands against her hips, rolling her to the side so she can shuck off his jeans, leaving him in--

"Tighty whities?" Audrey laughs. "Really Nathan?"

He grins sheepishly and she can't help bending down to kiss him again. 

 

Audrey leans over and cups Nathan's cheek in her hand. He feels her touch and rouses himself from the beginning of sleep, rolling over to smile lazily at her. "Hi," he says.

Audrey grins. "Hi. I like seeing you fall asleep. And wake up."

Nathan bites his lip. "Yeah?"

"Oh, don't get all bashful on me now, Wuornos," she laughs. "I think we're past that stage."

Nathan groans and leans back. He places his hand on his forehead. "You know that I'll never be past that stage. That's who I am."

Audrey props herself up on her arm and places a kiss on Nathan's cheek. "Luckily that's the man I fell in love with."


End file.
